Potteroops
by Merlin Fisher
Summary: Yes, I'm afraid it's ... Potter outtakes.  Based on a variety of scenes from ALL the books, beware SPOILERS.  Mostly good clean fun.  This disc is now over, watch for Return of the Potteroops coming soon!  Please R&R!
1. Voldy's not Moldy yet

_author's note: I own nothing. I admit to nothing. You can't prove a ... ahem. These are just for fun, not for profit, and are not intended to represent the actors in the Harry Potter movies or any other real people.  
_

_ Do NOT spam the reviews page, please! I do not appreciate spam, even friendly spam. If you're going to make a simple "lolz i like" comment, one or two is sufficient. More substantial remarks are very much appreciated. Thank you for your patronage. Annnnd ... **action!**_**_  
_**

----

"I know lots of things you don't, Tom Riddle. Want to hear some?"

But Harry's next words were drowned out by the sound of Peeves' nasal voice singing: "_I know something you don't know, I know something you don't know, nyah nyah..."_

"Peeves, shut up! You're ruining it! Cut!" yelled McGonagall. "Try it again."

----

"I know lots of things you don't, Tom Riddle. Want to hear some?"

Voldemort glared at him.

"Bellatrix likes you. As in, _really_ likes you."

"You think I didn't know that?" sneered Voldemort. "Foolish boy. You're almost as stupid and self-deceived as she is."

"You mean ... you don't care?" cried Bellatrix, springing up from the smoking crater where Molly Weasley had left her. "Voldy, I ... I thought we had something special! I thought –"

"Silence!" shouted Voldemort. "Bella, if you haven't got the patience to remain dead, at least don't call me that stupid name in front of everyone!"

Bellatrix burst into tears.

"Stop, stop, you're going to ruin your makeup if you do that!" cried Flitwick, wringing his hands. "Do you know how long it took me to get your eyes right?" He whipped out his wand and zapped Bellatrix with a Cheering Charm, but she only turned away, wailing even louder.

"Too late," sighed Professor Sprout, shaking her head. "Now you've set her off. It's going to take her a good two hours to calm down after this ... she's such a highstrung drama queen. Poppy, let's go get some coffee while we're waiting, I don't think we really want to stick around and watch while they sort this mess out."

"Agreed," muttered Madam Pomfrey, and they slipped out the door, leaving the considerable uproar behind them.

----


	2. The Importance of Legibility

----

A quiet voice behind Harry said:

"Witness for the defense, Elvis Parasol Wooster Bumble ... wait a second..." Dumbledore removed his hat, rummaged in it and pulled out a scrap of parchment, which he squinted at. "I can't read this, what's it supposed to say?"

Somebody yelled something from offscreen.

"... well, _some_body's pack of nifflers – not mentioning any particular gamekeepers present – stole my _spectacles_, so I can't read much of anything right now..."

----


	3. There's One in Every English Village

----

As they watched, a wide rip near the brim opened like a mouth, and the hat began to sing:

_Oyez, oyez, oyez, the Hogsmeade Royal Mummers 'ave come_

_To bring you cheer on this Christmas Day..._

"Cut!" yelled McGonagall. "Mundungus, did you give the Sorting Hat firewhisky again? Did you??"

"Did not, ma'am!" cried Mundungus Fletcher. "'s not my fault the Hogsmeade Mummers went an' Splinched their crier an' had to get a new one ... they're the ones what trained it t'do that, not me!"

McGonagall put her head in her hands. "Somebody get me a cup of tea... no, not you, Dobby..."

----


	4. Even Snape has Limits

----

"No way," said Snape, "I'm not saying this line ... upside down with my pants showing? Not a chance! _Especially_ not in front of Lily!"

"Snape," said James patiently, "you have to do this, you signed a contract, it's one of the most important scenes in the book –"

"I don't care," said Snape. "Enough's enough, can't they be satisfied with my previous humiliations ..." He stomped off toward the castle, muttering: "**beep** this, where's the phone ... I want my agent..."

----


	5. Riddle's Anagrams

---- 

"Voldemort," said Riddle softly, "is my past, present, and future, Harry Potter..."

He took Harry's wand from his pocket and began to trace it in the air, writing three shining words:

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

Then he waved the wand once, and the letters rearranged themselves:

TALL DID MORE VROOM

Riddle frowned and tried again:

I MADE DOOM LOL VRRT

"What the beep..."

----


	6. Hell Hath No Fury Like a Rubber Chicken

----

"_Avada Kedavra!"_ cried Voldemort, but all of a sudden, he discovered he was waving a rubber chicken instead of a wand.

"_Fred, not you and your fake wands again—when I get ahold of you--" _came Mrs. Weasley's voice.

"Uh-oh, gotta run," said Fred, and scuttled across the circle right between Voldemort and Harry, hotly pursued by his mother.

"Fred," George called after them, "You're supposed to be dead, you idiot! Go back there and lie down!"

----


	7. Tangled Love Lives

"Fascinating though your social life undoubtedly is, Miss Granger," came Snape's cold voice, "I must ask you not to discuss it in my class. Ten points from Gryffindor." Then he saw the magazine.

"Oh, but of course," sneered Snape, "Potter has to keep up with his press cuttings –"

Harry burst out laughing. He couldn't help it. A minute later, Hermione and Ron were chortling right along with him, and a minute after that, the entire class was roaring. Snape was the only one who seemed able to keep a straight face. With a sour look, he flung the tabloid article aside, and complained, "How am I supposed to work with this bunch of idiot children?"

----

"I vant to know," said Krum, glowering, "vot there is between you and Hermy-own-ninny."

"Nothing," said Harry.

"You haff never – you haff not –"

"No," said Harry firmly. "Not that I wouldn't like to, though. Wow, she's really grown up a lot in the past year, she looked smoking hot in that dress at the dance. I'd so do her ... I mean... **beep**!!"

Krum threw a left hook at Harry, and the latter just barely managed to duck in time, as offstage, Hermione and Ron both screeched _"Harr-eeeeee!"_ simultaneously and Krum dived on top of Harry, knocking him to the ground.

----


	8. Who's Your Daddy?

"Hello. My name is Harry Potter. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!" shouted Voldemort. He was growing increasingly uneasy at the boy's expression, and those green eyes seemed to stare right into the tattered remnants of his soul ...

"Cut!" yelled McGonagall. "Knew I shouldn't have let you two watch old adventure movies before work ... Try it again, from 'Prepare to die.'"

----

"No, that's not true," said Voldemort, slowly. _"I_ am your father."

"That's not true ... that's impossible!" cried Harry in an anguished voice.

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true," said Voldemort relentlessly. "Now, join me, and we will throw down the Minister and you will rule the nation by my side –"

"Cut! What was that?" said McGonagall. "All right, just skip the 'prepare to die' part, let's take it from the top." Harry looked slightly disappointed.

----


	9. Graveyard Mishaps

----

"_Avada Kedav_—achoo!" Voldemort sneezed. "_Avada_—choo!"

"All right," Harry shouted, "Who threw that Pepper Bomb? George? Ron, I hear you sniggering over there, I know it was you! Get over here!... **beep.**.."  
----

Harry shouted "Expelliarmus!" at the same moment Voldemort cried, "Avada Kedavra!" And then the strangest thing happened: a burst of light suddenly connected both wands -- not green, not red, but bright, deep gold.

And a beautiful, haunting sound filled the grounds. It was the sound of a deep bass-baritone voice singing: _"Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Fiiiigaaaarroooooo..."_

"Cut! Dumbledore, you gave us the wrong tape ... that was supposed to be phoenix song, not your opera audition ..."


	10. Never Anger a McGonagall

Professor McGonagall thundered across the floor on the back of a hippogriff, riding as if she'd been born to it, screaming "CHARGE!!"

The students now saw her in all her glory, as they had never seen her before. She was dressed in the tartan of her clan, painted in blood and woad, her tangled hair was flying in the wind, and she was brandishing the biggest claymore the world had ever seen.

Nobody said anything, including the Death Eaters, because they were all too busy staring with open mouths.

Finally Neville started applauding, and the rest of the students joined in. Lee Jordan whistled. Dumbledore shook his head, recovered his senses, and called out, "Cut!" just as the hippogriff reared dramatically against the rising sun.

"That was beautiful, Minerva, but it won't do ... I'm afraid if everyone got to see that side of you, there might be a violent revolution."

McGonagall ignored him. She skidded to a stop, brandished the sword once more, and bellowed: "FOR FREEDOM!!" eliciting a great cheer from the student body. Even Filch looked impressed.


	11. Beware the Fangirls

---- 

"Look ... at ... me ..." whispered Snape. Then his hand dropped and he was still.

There was a loud, drawn-out horrible wail from offstage, and then the sound of thunder. Voldemort, on the edge of exiting the room, glanced back ... and then continued his exit, with increased alacrity.

A horde of young girls stampeded onto the set and swarmed around Snape, knocking Harry, Hermione and Ron aside.

"What the ... who let the fangirls in here? Who let them in here?! Clear the set! Get them out!" shouted Harry, trying unsuccessfully to push them away. "I thought the Shrieking Shack was barricaded ... Hermione, do something, will you?"

But Hermione just stood there, shaking her head. Ron was looking at the girls thoughtfully, but none of them paid him the slightest attention.

Snape got to his feet, cursing, and there was an _"oooooooooh..."_

"Get out, and don't come back," Snape said, towering over all the girls and looking his most menacing, covered in blood.

"_Squeeeeeeeee!" _said the girls, and flung themselves at him. Immediately the ex-headmaster was buried under an avalanche of young fans.

----


	12. The Dark Lord's Bling

"Take off the locket, Ron," said Hermione, in a high-pitched voice. "You wouldn't be talking like this if you hadn't been wearing it all day..."

"No!" hissed Ron, clutching the locket to himself. "It's mine, my own ... my Preciouss..."

"You have to destroy it, Ron," said Harry, holding out the sword to him. "For both our sakes. It's going to consume you. I believe in you, Ron ... I believe there is still good in you..."

"Cut!" said McGonagall, yet again. "What did I tell you about the old movies, kids?"

"Sorry, Professor," mumbled Harry and Ron.


	13. Too Much Flash

_author's note: Don't ask me why the trees were leafless, since this scene should have taken place in the summer if I have the chronology right. Maybe the trees were dead. Or maybe it's a goof in the narrative.  
_

_----- _

He stood on a hilltop, forlorn and cold in the darkness, the wind whistling through the branches of a few leafless trees.

Then a blinding, jagged jet of white light flew through the air: Harry thought of lightning, but Snape had dropped to his knees and his wand had flown out of his hand.

"OWW! Son of a -" Snape yelled.

"Cut! Snape, you were supposed to say 'Don't kill me!'... oh ..."

Snape swore vehemently. As everyone's eyes readjusted to the dark after that bright flash, the reason became obvious. The bolt had fried Snape quite impressively: the ends of his greasy hair were singed, his robes looked scorched, and there were soot marks on his face.

"Nice shot, Dumbledore," he grumbled. Dumbledore looked slightly sheepish.

"Sorry, Severus, I must have overdone it. I assure you it was quite accidental."

"A likely story," muttered Snape, as Malfoy ran up with a towel to clean his face.


	14. Give the Hufflepuffs Some Love Already

"No, no ... let's try it again... 'Potter, Harry!'"

"HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the Sorting Hat. Harry pulled off the hat and threw it down in disgust.

"What's going on?" asked Charlie Weasley, wandering over to the sidelines with a bottle of butterbeer.

"It's the Sorting Hat," sighed McGonagall. "All day it's been refusing to say anything but Hufflepuff!"

"Well, I'm not surprised," piped up Tonks. "I bet the hat's really bored with never getting to yell 'HUFFLEPUFF!' these days. Nobody who plays a major role in the series is a Hufflepuff, and most of the fans give us short shrift too. It's not fair! Hufflepuffs are loyal, hardworking and they have a real sense of justice..."

"Yeah, and they're stupid," put in Draco Malfoy. "That's why they're always the first to kick the bucket when things get interesting." He smirked. Cedric Diggory glared at him.

McGonagall grabbed Charlie's butterbeer and drained it, as Charlie looked bemusedly at his empty hand. McGonagall then Transfigured the bottle into a butterfly and moodily watched it flit away. "I guess we'll have to take a break and try again tomorrow," she sighed. "You can all go."


	15. The DA Club

_author's note: Beware of total randomness ahead. As I write today's chapter, I've got final exams in a couple hours and I'm procrastinating last-minute study and trying not to panic._

_-----_

"Rule Number One of Dumbledore's Army ... you do not talk about Dumbledore's Army. Rule Number Two of Dumbledore's Army ... _You Do Not Talk About Dumbledore's Army,"_ said Harry, pacing up and down in front of the group of students. "Now, I see a bunch of new faces here, which means that _some _of you have been ignoring rules 1 and 2 ..."

An old, beat-up turquoise Ford Anglia suddenly burst into the room, horn blaring, headlights flashing. Students shrieked and scattered in every direction. Harry dived for cover. "What the –beep—!"

"Professor McGonagall!" yelled Ron, staring at the passenger's seat of the vehicle. "Sirius! What are you doing with my dad's old car?!"

Sirius, in the driver's seat, just gave a manic grin. McGonagall said, "You're right, this is _much _more fun than shouting 'Cut!' all the time. And since we're going to have to throw away this part anyway ... you kids just can't seem to keep out of the old Muggle movie stash ..."

"Besides," put in Sirius, grinning more widely than should be possible on a human face, "it's not a proper man's movie unless it's got some good car stunts. _And_ beautiful women," he added, flashing a smile in McGonagall's direction. Ginny and Cho both groaned and rolled their eyes. McGonagall wore her usual teaching robes, but her hat was set at a slightly more daring angle.

"Car stunts with _that _thing?" said Hermione, disbelievingly. "Oh well ..."

Colin Creevey exclaimed, "Awesome!" and snapped a photograph.


	16. I Smell the Blood of a Smart Guy

"Look, check this out," said Lee Jordan. "I taught Grawp a trick! Do it, Grawp, go on," he shouted up at Hagrid's half-brother.

"FEE!" roared Grawp, pounding his chest. "FIE! FOE! FOO—"

"Cut!" said McGonagall. "That's _not funny,_ Jordan!" as Jordan rewarded Grawp with a couple of large mince pies. "Just wait till Hagrid sees what you did ..."

"Oh, come on, Professor, he might actually like it," said Lee. Harry, who had grown up with Muggles, was laughing his head off; the Weasleys looked a bit puzzled, as they hadn't gotten the joke.

Hermione looked at Grawp, then at Lee. "'Fee fie foe foo?'" she said.

"Well, I guess he still needs to work on that last bit," conceded Lee.


	17. LOLkneazles

_author's note: I'm sorry about this one, I really am. _

_By the way, go and buy a copy of "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them," because the profit goes to charity._

-----

"-click-... –click - ... - click –"

"Colin, what the heck are you doing?" asked Ron. "Why are you taking all those pictures of Crookshanks?"

"It's the latest thing in my – I mean, in the Muggle world," said Colin Creevey proudly. "Look!"

He held out a book of photographs. Ron took it.

Inside were a lot of pictures of cats. One or two of them were being held up for the camera by Mrs. Figg. All of them were labeled with weird cryptic-looking messages like:

IM IN UR KITCHEN  
CHASIN UR HOUSE-ELVES

IM IN UR SHACK CARRYIN SEKRIT NOTEZ

INVISIBLE FIREBOLT!

Ron put the album down, shaking his head. "Whatever ..." he said. Hermione giggled.

"_There _you are!" exclaimed Sirius, stomping over and seizing the cat. "We need Crookshanks right now, we're trying to shoot a scene with him. You can have him back later, kids," he added, as Colin started to protest. "Speaking of which," Sirius added, "has anybody seen where the stunt rats got to? The whole cageful of 'em disappeared, and that box wasn't empty half an hour ago..."

Hermione looked perfectly innocent. Ron's ears turned a little red. Colin looked down at the ground. "I _see," _said Sirius, sounding a lot like McGonagall for a moment. "Well, then you three can just go and round up some more rats, how does that sound."

"Don't see why old Wormtail can't do it," mumbled Ron, as Colin packed up his camera and photo album. "He's got the day off today," said Hermione. "Besides, if he finds out what we did with the first lot of rats, he might not be too happy about having to go get some more..."


	18. Werewolves of Hogwarts

(-shot-)

Sirius and James with their arms around each other's shoulders, singing "Werewolves of London" as loudly as possible, and howling with great gusto, while Remus plays the piano and Peter's on the drums.

_"... If you hear him howling around your kitchen door _

_You better not let him in _

_Little old lady got mutilated late last night _

_Werewolves of London again..._

_AhWOOOOOO, werewolves of London!..._

_...He's the hairy-handed gent who ran amok in Kent_

_Lately he's been overheard in Mayfair_

_You better stay away from him, he'll rip your lungs out Jim_ (Sirius gives James a friendly shove)

_I'd like to meet his tailor..._

_AhWOOOOOO, werewolves of London!..."_

(-end shot-)

_-----_

_author's note: Yes, this is a real song. And I swear it was written -just- __ for the Marauders, even though it came out in 1978. It should've been their theme song. _

_R.I.P., Warren Zevon._


	19. Bibble, Wibble, Toil and Tribble

In the Magical Menagerie, there was a pair of huge purple toads that sat gulping wetly and feasting on dead blowflies, a cageful of sleek black rats, a fat white rabbit that kept changing into a top hat and back every few seconds with a loud popping noise, a noisy cage of ravens, a basket of funny custard-colored furballs that were humming loudly, and a tortoise with a jewel-encrusted shell sat glittering by the window.

"Ooh, these are cute," said Hermione, picking up one of the humming furballs. It purred audibly, almost a trilling sound. "What are they?"

"Sorry, those aren't for sale," said the shopkeeper quickly. "I'm looking after them for a friend. Besides, you really don't want one. They multiply like mad. You'll be up to your neck in the things in no time."

"But if you separated them, wouldn't that keep them from...?" said Hermione, stroking it.

"Tried that. Doesn't work," said the shopkeeper. "That bunch you're looking at was a single critter this morning. They've got an ingenious way of confounding any measure to keep them from breeding – they're born pregnant, and they seem to have no problems mating with their offspring. Or their siblings."

"_Hold it!" _somebody yelled from off screen. Before anybody could say another word, a strange man with pointy ears and a blue shirt entered the shop and picked up the basket of furballs, plucking the one Hermione was holding right out of her hands. "Hey," she began, but Ron told her, "Forget it. We really don't need one of those things."

"Oh, thank goodness!" exclaimed the shopkeeper, looking at the pointy-eared man with a relieved expression. "Take them away, please. I'm never petsitting those little buggers again, they're nothing but a world of troubles!"

-

Harry watched the pointy-eared man leave with his furballs. "What was that all about?"

"Beats me," shrugged Ron. "Can we get back to buying Scabbers's rat tonic now?"

"And Crookshanks, we can't forget him," said Harry.

"Shutup!" hissed Ron, with a glance at Hermione, who was now busy examining the cats. "I was hoping she'd forget! ... oh well, too late now." He sighed and pulled the pet rat out of his pocket.


	20. Wardrobe Malfunction

_Author's note: I regret to announce that this extra-long outtake will be the last Potteroops for a while. Twenty chapters is probably enough for one document, so when I write more, if I do, I'll probably start a new piece. Keep an eye out for "Return of the Potteroops" coming soon, and I hope you've all enjoyed the ride._

-----

In the darkness, Harry could see, rising from the cauldron, the dark outline of a man ... a man with a white, snakelike face, gleaming red eyes and slits for nostrils...

Lord Voldemort had risen again.

"Robe me," said a cold voice.

There was a pause.

"Er ... master ..."

"What is it, Wormtail?" said Lord Voldemort, coldly.

"Er ... sorry, but ... I, um, haven't got ... your robes." Wormtail waved the sack of supplies. "Looks like the costume department gave us the wrong bag..."

"Well, what's that you're waving about, you idiot?"

"It's ... well ..." Wormtail held out the garment, wretchedly. It was Ron's dress robes. _"Lumos!"_ said Wormtail, and held up his lit wand in his left hand so Voldemort could see it better.

Voldemort took the maroon and lace thing. "I am not wearing this," he said, standing up to his thighs in a cauldron full of potion and absolutely naked. "Give me _your_ robes, then."

"Well, but master," protested Pettigrew timidly, "I don't think mine'd fit you. You're, er, rather taller than me ..."

"Wormtail, it is the middle of the night," said Voldemort, still more coldly than before. "And I am, to use the colloquial, freezing my nadgers here. I am a Dark Lord –_ the _Dark Lord, that is – and we're supposed to be doing the climax scene of this rather lengthy book. Now, you had better think of something, and quickly."

Harry was almost dying of laughter behind the ropes gagging him.

"I'll summon the others," said Pettigrew. "Maybe they can help." He tugged at his left sleeve with his teeth and pressed his Dark Mark with his nose, since his right hand was still a bleeding stump.

"No, wait! Don't –" cried Voldemort, but it was too late. With popping noises, Death Eaters began Apparating into the graveyard.

They lit their own wands and immediately saw they were indeed standing in a circle around Voldemort, who was still standing in the cauldron wearing nothing, with Ron's dress robes in his hands.

Most of them averted their eyes by falling on the ground in pretended obeisance, which also conveniently hid their faces, so they could appear to be trembling with awe when in fact they were trying hard not to giggle. Voldemort was very glad Bellatrix wasn't in this scene.

Furiously, he pulled the lacy maroon robes over himself and stepped out of the cauldron with as much dignity as he could manage.

"You idiots!" he shouted at the Death Eaters. "You're supposed to wait for the cue! Go away!"

Lucius Malfoy raised his head. "But we _did_ wait for the cue," he began. "Our Marks burned –"

"Out! I did not summon you! Begone, the lot of you!" raged Voldemort. He would've cut a more frightening figure without the lace, of course.

The Death Eaters got up, grumbling, and Disapparated with popping noises. Voldemort swore venomously and pointed his wand at Harry, freeing him. Then he disappeared with Pettigrew, muttering something about spare robes and Cruciatus curses on the costumers.

Harry ran over to Cedric Diggory, who was still patiently lying where he'd fallen after being killed. "Cedric! Wake up! You won't _believe_ what you just missed seeing ..."

"Shh," said Cedric, sitting up. He held up a small camera and winked at Harry.


	21. Trailer

_author's note: "Potteroops" has now ended. However, I am delighted to announce the release of a second series, "Return of the Potteroops"! Please feel free to check it out, and enjoy. I can't promise I'll keep coming up with these forever, but for now, the fun isn't over._

_Heave ho, thieves and beggars, never say we die!_

_  
: -)  
_


End file.
